Where do I begin? Having suffered from severe depression some years before my cancer diagnosis I didn’t think it was possible to feel more depressed than I already had in the past. I was wrong. It was different but it was a very sad and dark time for me.
There were many days during my treatment that I felt so sad I didn’t care if I lived another day. I remember driving recklessly a few times, I wanted to die and end my sadness not thinking or caring about anyone else. Remember, this is the depression talking, it’s not rational or caring. It’s hard to explain if you’ve never experienced it but for me it’s a hopeless feeling and an extreme sadness. It actually sounds crazy now, but when you are in it it’s difficult to get out.
There were days I cried many tears. There were days and sometimes weeks I would not cry but just stay in the house with the blinds shut so no one could see my bald head. When I lost my eyelashes and eyebrows, 5 weeks AFTER chemo ended, I hit my lowest point. I truly wanted to die. I was sure I would never recover from all the side effects so what’s the point of living.
I lost many things: my breasts, my hair, eyebrows and eyelashes, my nails were brittle, my body has scars from surgery and I was fighting constantly to not gain weight. (The side effects for majority of breast cancer patients is weight gain from chemo induced menopause, the steroids and hormone blockers). Besides losing all of these feminine qualities I felt I was losing my career as a commercial actress and was tired of watching everyone else live their life while I just sat on the couch watching my life pass me by.
I think you get the picture of how sad I felt.